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To Love Him

Part 1: Katie Falls in Love.

Part 2: Carolyn's Jimmy.

by ljc

3/06



Summary: AU. Katie's and Carolyn's thoughts on the love of their life. Song fic. Death fic, but not for the guys.



Rating: G.



Note to readers: A prequel for my AU story 'Coming Home'. Katie is an original character mentioned in my story 'Coming Home', and Carolyn knew Jim before he left for Peru. The style of this story is totally different from 'Coming Home' which was written more than a year before this story. ['Coming Home' Summary: After separate tragedies, Blair comes back home to Cascade and meets Jim.]



Disclaimer: All characters, places, and objects from The Sentinel belong to Pet Fly Productions, UPN, Paramount and the SciFi Channel. No money is being made. No copyright infringement is intended. This story was written by ljc with the love of the show in mind.



To Know Him Is To Love Him

By: Phil Spector

Artist/Band: Parton Dolly

Lyrics for Song: To Know Him Is To Love Him

Lyrics for Album: Trio - Dolly Parton/Emmylou Harris/Linda Ronstadt


To know know know him

Is to love love love him

Just to see him smile

Makes my life worthwhile

To know know know him

Is to love love love him

And I do


I'll be good to him

I'll bring love to him

Everyone says there'll come a day

When I'll walk alongside of him

Yes just to know him

Is to love love love him

And I do


Why can't he see

How blind can he be

Someday he will see

That he was meant for me


To know know know him

Is to love love love him

Just to see him smile

Makes my life worthwhile

To know know know him

Is to love love love him

And I do



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Part 1: KATIE FALLS IN LOVE


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To know know know him

Is to love love love him

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I saw him today. Blair Sandburg. I only got a glimpse of him as he strummed his guitar outside the dorm. My roomie says to forget it. He's way too young for me, a senior. He's only sixteen, and too geeky. He already has a reputation as a science nerd with an impressive IQ. And poor as a church mouse, in any case. What drew me to him?

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Just to see him smile

Makes my life worthwhile

<>

We met today. He was shy and nervous. Too adorable. I felt like a silly, giggly schoolgirl with her first crush, but in my heart he became my secret 'Teddy Blair' ... my love. I was captivated. He'd captured me, heart and soul. I remember his every passionate word. Every overenthusiastic gesture. Every glance. Every gentle touch of his hand. The brush of his shoulder on mine. Is this love? Oh yes. I believe it with all my heart.

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I'll be good to him

I'll bring love to him

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We dated today. Dated. Too dull a word for being with Blair Sandburg for an evening. What does he see in me? I'm twenty-one and a senior, he's sixteen and a freshman-going-on-junior. I'll graduate next semester, but he won't stop till he gets his Phd. Am I crazy to get involved with him? I'm so busy doing my journalism internship on the Cascade Sentinel I barely have time to .... But what does that matter? What matters is that I was with Blair tonight. Breathing in his scent. Touching and being touched. One date ... and I want no other. Can spare a glance ... for no other. Live ... to see his eyes. Breathe ... only to be with him. Hear ... only to hear him breathe. I am lost ... without him.

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Everyone says there'll come a day

When I'll walk alongside of him

<>

I Katherine, take you Blair, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part .... And so we married today. I didn't think it would happen. Not this fast. Especially after I met Naomi! She didn't want her 'Sweetie' to get married. It would be stifling! And he was so young to make a decision like that! But for some reason she changed her mind. I know Blair had a 'talk' with her. He has a way of talking from the heart that somehow overcomes all objections. And now we are a family. I've been alone for so long with only my legal guardian to call 'family'. I think Blair longed for a family too, even though I know he loves his mom. He spoke so seriously about not knowing his father, and he seemed almost too understanding when I tried to explain about being an orphan. He told me about his mother's wanderlust. I think he knows too much about being lonely. I can see it in his eyes. Hear it in his voice. I want to hold him, comfort him, from now until we're old and grey. How did I get so lucky, to marry the love of my life? I only have to see his eyes to know of his love for me. For me! How can he? Why does he? Please God! Let this be true. That he loves me, as I do him.

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Yes just to know him

Is to love love love him

<>

I am in awe of Blair. He works so hard. He studies, does research, works a student job, does extra work for his advisor Dr. Stoddard, and yet he manages to make time for me, and all his friends too. Like Janet. They've worked on saving the forest from developers. He's worked on so many causes, from ecological to human rights. And he does all this while helping me struggle with my own career. I'd thought journalism was a noble profession, but seeing it through Blair's eyes has made me see a profession that is sometimes unsure of it's own moral compass. So many journalists have turned to sensationalism to make their careers. As I struggled with my career I found that Blair had become my conscience, and my anchor. Whatever could I have done to be blessed with a love so powerful, so solid? Such love should break my heart at the mere thought of it. The intensity of it frightens me. Yet I try to hold it closer still. The only burden is the fear that I would die if it were lost.

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Why can't he see

How blind can he be

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Every day, in every way, he fills my life with his joy. But his life is not confined to me, to this place, our home. His joy is boundless. His energy, equal to it. His research and his teaching are only a part of his life. He also journeys ... and he searches. His quest is ever before him and I cannot deny him. How could I deny him his dream? He struggles with what he fears is the unattainable, what he calls his Holy Grail. He leaves on expeditions, mainly to Central and South America. He knows I miss him so. He hates to leave me but I hoard his glances, his touches, his scent ... for his absences. And I hide that disreputable favorite flannel shirt of his as my secret comfort. For I cannot deny him his quest. It is the fire that drives him. Yet his hunger, his thirst, his search leaves him frustrated and I ache for him. For that void that I can't fill. That knowledge unknown. That quest unfulfilled. But he returns to me. And I cannot deny him. I send him, with my love. For I do love him so.

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Someday he will see

That he was meant for me

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We had so many plans. Life held the promise of so much joy ... of love ... of sharing ... of family. The promise of our vows ... for better, for worse ... to love and to cherish ... 'till death do us part. I wanted all of that, but we will part too soon. He came back to me as soon as he could, terrified that he would be too late, that I would be lost to him. He'd been searching yet again. I'm glad that I could give him that, his quest. That I didn't deny him his search. His passion will carry him through this time. I don't want grief for me to overwhelm him. He has to live. He has to have a reason to go on, and a chance for joy in his life, too. I wished that for him, as my love held me close. Blair ... hold me close. Hold me in your heart or I fear I will be lost. Hold my love with your strength. For your future. Take all I have left to give you ... My Love.

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To know know know him

Is to love love love him

And I do ....

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Part 1: CAROLYN'S JIMMY


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To know know know him

Is to love love love him

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I saw him that first day of our senior year. He was so handsome in his uniform. He was so young, so proud, so strong. I didn't know then how hard he'd fought for that independence, that dignity. That strength. It wasn't easy being William's son. I'd believed the Ellison name might have been hard to live up to. Jimmy always considered it something he had to live down.

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Just to see him smile

Makes my life worthwhile

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But he made me proud. His strength was his honor, and his honor was his strength. Those broad shoulders never seemed bowed by the weight he'd borne, not in his childhood nor later in the service. He was an Army Ranger. One of the best his country could boast. He was my Jimmy, tall and proud, with eyes so blue I could be lost in their depths ... and know I was home. When he held me, I felt safe. Safe in a quiet, gentle strength that he shared with only me.

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I'll be good to him

I'll bring love to him

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I tried to be a good Army wife. I didn't mind traveling as long as we could be together, but I hated the separations. Jimmy loved me deeply. He slowly allowed his softer side to show because he now knew what love was, and that his love, loved him in return. My Jimmy, after the anger and resentment uncoiled, now seemed like a bright, beautiful flower. Oh, how he'd laugh at that thought, and then he'd kiss me because he'd know the truth of it. Because he knew that I felt safe in his arms ... at home in his sight.

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Everyone says there'll come a day

When I'll walk alongside of him

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That last year together he was at his most romantic. He'd grown into himself. He allowed himself to be gentle, and caring, and to be at ease showing it to the people he loved. I was always pulled warmly into his side. I never allowed the ache of separations to come between us when I could touch him, hold him, love him.

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Yes just to know him

Is to love love love him

<>

He seldom talked about his Ranger Unit. I knew most of it was classified. I'll admit to intense curiosity, but I didn't pry. Not too much! He'd grin and swing me around and turn my thoughts to other things. He was proud of his career. He seemed content with his buddies. He seemed happy with his home life. I liked this man. My friend. My lover. My life.

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Why can't he see

How blind can he be

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Another mission. A short one they said. Jim assured me they would be well prepared since they had up-to-the-minute intel. I didn't want him to go. I argued. I threatened. I begged. At night I stared at the ceiling for hours. During the day I paced, and wept. And he teased me, and loved me, understanding the fear, too. I love him so. But I was so afraid. Afraid this time, for no particular reason, that I would be left behind. That I would be left ... alone.

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Someday he will see

That he was meant for me

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I opened the door .... They didn't have to say anything. Jimmy was gone and I couldn't imagine anything being right again. They held a memorial service for Jimmy and his men. I stood still and silent, holding the flag they gave me. He was gone. I'm not proud of my reaction. I ran. I'd lost him and there would never be a time or a place that I believed I would be happy again. Then after eighteen months ... there stood the 'good soldier'. The miracle had happened and he'd come back. But this Jimmy was not the man I had married. This stiff and formal Captain James Ellison, was all turned inward. Closed in, worse than he'd ever been. The blue eyes that I had happily lost myself in were shuttered. My Jimmy was gone. Buried so deep he was lost to me. He'd done as his honor had demanded. He had been the lone survivor yet he had completed his mission. But he'd lost his men. And worst of all, he'd lost himself. He'd lost all that was gentle and sweet, and then had armored himself with rock hard walls that didn't make him seem strong, but only brittle and cold and vulnerable. I wasn't allowed inside those walls though I did try. Oh, how I tried. I miss you Jimmy Ellison. There was no way I could be consoled for what was lost. I wept more for you then than when I thought you lost. But now it's your turn to weep for me, if you can. Now I am the one lost to you, and you're the one to run. Please, find the Jimmy I adored. The one that could smile, and joke, and love till the sun came up. Find yourself Jimmy, for your sake ... please, My Love.

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To know know know him

Is to love love love him

And I do ...

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finis



To know know know them

Is to love love love them

Yes, I do ...

I do ...

Yes, we do ...